Blogging in the cold afternoon

today was so cold. even in the afternoon. I'm not in good condition right now, both my soul or my body. I'm alone again today in my room. Sometimes I forget, sometimes remember about my past.. and i'm realize those tears just come out without reason. maybe... maybe i need something... or certain someone. I love doing this blogging thing just to forget, or for writing something. *that has no meaning*
I'm still figuring out,  why the left side of my body still hurt so much. i got everything. i got bla bla bla... but ah whatever.
i need to make plans and decide for my future. well I can't imagine when i leave my country indonesia. but I have to, in this memories of me... what i have left on my friendship.. just just a trace of my ego... mark that left behind is a prove that i was to egoist back there. such a person i am.
i know i wish to become a wiser person, i got no problem in my study. or money issue, my parents provide plenty of those. but. my heart just keep begging for more. the fact that i lost my friends, or yet losing another best friend just making this heart, it just hurt. I know crying won't solve everything but yet i cry every single night of my life, begging to disappear, then in the day i... i try to smile again, doing stuff, finishing the tasks. and when the night come, i cry.
Lately i become such a crybaby.
cause when i look back, i just see the trace of my ego, how could i become so egoist? And how could a man like me exist? what is the reason for me to live?
lot of question
well said, your hearts is an awesome device, it can't cheat, it always give you the truth. Even if you try to forget. I want to forget.. but those memories are my only experience about friendship..my only treasure bout it. forgetting means that entire stuff has no meaning. yet it is keep hurting the left part of me.
sigh
i'm pathetic.